Diary of the Feline Queen

2006-07-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

Oh my Goodness. They tell me I've gained a pound! There goes my slim kitty-esque model figure!

What do they know anyway? Is this fat, I meow you?

They got a new camera. Dammit.

2006-05-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

There goes my privacy.

Why are there so many people in my house?

2005-12-27T20:14:00.000-08:00

2005-12-09T22:36:00.000-08:00

Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep.

2005-10-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why I got in trouble for this.

She's been cheating on me.

2005-10-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

2005-10-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

What the hell is that!

Mmmm wine

2005-07-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have never been so offended in my life.

It turns out that all the bags that the male unit was hiding, and all the boxes were presents for the female unit. What has she ever done to deserve presents and offerings? I'll admit, playing in the empty boxes was fun, but it still doesn't explain it.

I bring joy and laughter into their lives, but do they ever celebrate my birth? I don't even know when my birthday is, since they never celebrate it. Every time I ask, they look at me and say 'isn't it cute when she tries to talk to us?' Stupid humans, they need to learn how to interpret my language.

And then, to top it all off, there were many people over yesterday, so I was forced to sleep under the bed instead of in my usual patch of sunlight.

Ingrates.

2005-07-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

I finished all my food again last night. I don't think that they're giving me enough. I tried to wake them up when I was hungry by jumping on the bed and attacking the frog, but they just kept sleeping. Why they insist on waking me up every time I nap when they can sleep I don't understand.

The male unit left before the fireball came up, and didn't feed me again. Just because it's dark, doesn't mean I can't have more food. The female unit fed me when she woke up. At least one of them cares about my well being.

Last night the male unit wrapped a box in silly paper. The units are strange.

2005-07-13T06:18:00.000-07:00

I woke up hungry. I don't understand why I'm always so hungry now. We're in this new castle, and it's bigger, but I have more than enough food. It must be all the flying thiIgs i knock out of the air and play with.

The male unit got up very early, before the ball of fire was up. I followed him around, but he left with that silly belt with water units on it. I decided to go and sit on the female units face until she fed me. Unfortunately, once I jumped on the bed I felt an incredible urge to nap. When I woke up, the ball of fire was up, and the female unit was leaving. I went to check, and yes! She put food in my bowl! This is why I only try to kill her some of the time, but I'm always looking for ways to get the male unit.

The male unit keeps brining home bags and putting them in the closet. I don't know what's going on.

2005-07-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

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What The...

2005-06-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

What the hell is that on my ass?

Get it off! Get it off! Hey! Does that say "Fat Cats"? Who's a fat cat? Are they saying I'm a fat cat?!? The nerve! The ingratitude! Those idiots! I'll get them while they sleep, see if I won't!

Huh? Oh, trying to get away with it with a little behind the ear action, are we? Well it won't work! I stand my ground! You two are.... Oh yeah, right there...a little to the left...yeah...merrrrr....

2005-06-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

I love following the female unit around. She thinks that I do it to show my affection. Perhaps that was true before, but now I realise that if I plan it just right, and stop right in front of her while she's walking up the stairs, I can get rid of her!

She calls me her shadow, so I don't think that she's figured out my plan - I managed to trip her up, but she caught herself. I should wait until she's had more from that big green bottle before trying again.

Nappy-Time

2005-06-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

She's on the furnace box that goes clackity-clackity in the night!

I think now would be an auspicious time for a nap, don't you agree? Yup, definitely nap time. *yawn* *stretch* *plop*

Hunger Knows No Bounces

2005-06-03T07:16:00.001-07:00

I'm hungry. It's six in the morning and I'm hungry. I think I'll go bounce on Her head while She's still sleeping. *bounce*bounce* Wow, this is like a trampoline! This is fun! Hey, Cow Kitty! Come up here. We can bounce together. *bounce*bounce* What? What did She just say? I hope you go to Kitty Hell? What? What does that mean? Whatever! *bounce*bounce* Why don't I bounce on Daddy? Who? You mean the lump next to Her, the Feeder? Cow Kitty, why don't we bounce on Him? Tell me again. *bounce*bounce* 'Cause last time we did it, He said He wouldn't give us any breakfast. Right. I don't know what "breakfast" means, but it sounds like it involves a lack of food. *bounce*bounce* *bounce*bounce* Her head is so springy! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... *bounce*

2005-06-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

Right outside my window, there's this tree. There is this one bird sitting in the tree, and she's calling to me.... saying "eat me Queen Feline, eat me". Every day I sit in the window and stare at this bird, while she calls to me. Every day I try to get out the window, but there is this bizarre barrier stopping me... the barrier also stops the bugs from getting in, which is annoying, because bugs make great toys/snacks. It's almost like a screen, stopping me from getting out and the bugs and birds from getting in.

I will start to plan my escape route so that I can climb the tree and get the bird.

Spray, Spray, Spray Your Litter, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily....

2005-05-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you're trying to peepee and your Feeder moves you so you don't pee on the little weird part that scoops up all the litter? And then you end up peeing outside the box? They're not too bright, are they?
-Cow Kitty not impressed

2005-05-30T00:19:00.000-07:00

Again? I always have to cover that idiot's business in the poopie box. And now look! He's gotten it over the side. I guess I have to cover that too. Opps. Maybe the Feeders won't notice the carpet of litter in the poopie-room. But at least I covered stupid Cow Kitty's peepee.
-Busy-bee Fatty

Dig, dig dig

2005-05-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

I love to dig in my litter box, it's so much fun! Last night I was digging in it - I have no idea how late it was, because really, time is irrlevant to me. Anyway, I was happily digging away when the female unit got up and started yelling at me to shut up because it was 3 in the morning. Whatever that means.

2005-05-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

My surroundings have changed... instead of my one level hovel, I'm now in a 3 level castle! There are still boxes around, but most of my belongings have been removed from boxes and put in familiar locations.

The stairs are new, but they allow me to observe what is happening without going down the stairs.

Every day a very annoyoing sound comes down the street, and the small people run after it waving money then eating stuff from sticks. There are some very strange things happening on this street.

Rotating Poopie Boxes

2005-05-19T17:25:00.000-07:00

My poopie box is moving? My poopie box is moving! My. Poopie. Box. Is. Moving. Excuse me, People! MY POOPIE BOX IS MOVING!!!

Hey, you over there! Can't you see there's a problem here! Poopie boxes don't move. They are stationary. That is the goal of the poopie box: to hold still while I take a poopie. Are you listening? No, I really don't think you are. Are you going to do something about this?

Wait, it stopped. That was weird. GET OUT. I have to take a poopie.

Guestapocalypse Now

2005-05-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

So. These extremely rude people came over and wouldn't leave. To protect the privacy of the not-so-innocent, I will call them Christine and Steve. It was terrible! I wasn't scared. Nope, not me! I was just on my best behaviour! I ate in the condo-highrise room and, I must say, I found the most ingenious place to sleep: under the condo highrise. I ripped up all the netting covering the bottom of the condo highrise and slept in it. It was great - like a sling. No one could bother me now! They couldn't even see me! (Not that I was afraid or anything like that, so don't leave me comments!) And Cow Kitty? I think he slept with those ingrates! Traitor! I'm ignoring him now.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

2005-05-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

The two of them have been spending a lot of time away from the house recently. They only seem to be here to sleep. It doesn't make any sense. I must admit it's nice to have full run of the place, I can sleep wherever I want, jump on any surface I choose and no one tells me not too.

There are still boxes all over the. Fun to play in, but they are taking up a lot of space. It makes hunting more challenging.

When the female came home today, she spent several minutes snuggling with me and babbling about colours for my new home. What new home? Why are her clothes covered in white spots? What's going on?

Mmm...somewhere new to sit

2005-05-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

They continue to put things in boxes, but this has created new perches for me. I like being able to sit higher than them, it puts them in their place.

String, Thy Name Is Mud!

2005-05-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

*ack* I...I...think I...ate some...string? *gack*
I think I'm gonna...yup. Barf. Right on Her cross-stitch. Is that where the string came from?
-Fatty doesn't feel so good right now

2005-04-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to figure out this BLOG thing - I know that this site is meant to be from that cat's perspective, but sometimes I have a hankering to post as myself, particularly when I've been out drinking. Funny how that works.

Today we took possession of our house. It was a bit overwhelming getting into the house for the first time - it needs a lot more work than we originally thought it would. Turns out that on top of the fresh coat of paint and totally renovated kitchen, we need to put in a new front and back door. On top of all of that, when we turned up at the house to take a look at it, all the power was off. We turned on all the breakers, then we realised that there was still no heat. Turns out that the previous owners TURNED OFF THE GAS. There is no pilot light on in the furnace, which means no hot water. Now we have to wait until Sunday (between 2pm and 7pm) for someone to come by and light it for us. The gas company said that the previous owners must have turned off the gas, because they didn't do it. Now, I don't know if that's typical, but it's super annoying for us - what if we were moving in this weekend instead of just doing renovations? AAARGGG!

After that we went for dinner with B and Caro from work - drank a fair amount of wine. Then we ended up out for drink with Andrew, Michael and Roy. It's so great that A. finally finished his MBA (good job!) but I'm sad because he'll be in Russia for the next 6 weeks or so. :(

I feel like I haven't been sober since before I left for San Francisco.

Dancing in Spades

2005-04-28T17:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems Crazy is home. She seems to be pouring an awful lot of that stuff I'm not allowed to have 'cause it makes me feel funny into a glass. Or is it a pitcher? Though, mind you, I did have some once. It made me throw up in Her favourite sandals. At least I think they were Her favourite sandals 'cause I got sent to the Sheridan Bathroom Suites for an extended vacation after that little episode. But I digress. She's pouring that stuff into a jar, and jumping up and down, and dancing around the room. I had better hide before She decides to dance with me again, like that one time at bandcamp.
- cow kitty cornered

2005-04-26T06:41:00.000-07:00

They’ve returned from wherever they went. They left me with someone very, very tall. He fed me, but that’s all I really care about.

More boxes have appeared at in my home. I still have no idea what this means. They also keep telling me that “I’ll have more space to run around in soon”, whatever that means.

Last night, I was minding my own business trying to sleep on the females pillow at bedtime, when the female rolled over and sneezed on me. She apologized, then started laughing. COME ON! Just use Kleenex like everyone else!

Bath Time

2005-04-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

Oh my catnip! There I was, minding my own business (and Gary the Gray Mouse's too), when He picks me up - my vivid protestations falling on deaf ears - and throws me into the shower. Ew. I suspect He did it on purpose. I certainly don't smell! I catapulted out of the bathtub, slid across the bathroom floor, and fled to the one safe place I know - the condo highrise. I heard them laughing. They had better not have been laughing at me, but if they were I got my revenge! I wonder who goes into a coma on the right side of the highrise?
-bemoaning my existence, Fatty

Kitty Condo

2005-04-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

So. They think they can keep me off the coma-inducing area, but I think not! Just because they got rid of the futon bungalow and bought this monstrous condo highrise doesn't mean I won't find a way up - because rest assured, I will! Even if I have to meow all night.

2005-04-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

Told you so *smirk*

Hey!

2005-04-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

A picture of us from the club last night was posted:

http://tucson.hotnitez.com/photos/sendbinarypage-logo.asp?path=Tucson/05-04-18con/con418%20008.jpg

Amie' s foot is ok today - it's a bit bruised, but she was ok for a marathon shopping spree with me. Stocked up on Bath & Body Works stuff and bought some new shoes. Exciting! Going out for Mexican food soon. Still haven't had any booze today... it's a strange feeling after the past week. I'm sure we'll be able to get some Margaritas soon though!

Ew, smoking

2005-04-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

So, it turns out that after almost a year of no smoking in bars and clubs in Toronto, I've become a lightweight. ALL the clothes that I wore out tonight REEK. And I only brought one pair of jeans to Tuscon. Fortunately, I have more in San Fran, but we don't go back until Wednesday. BLECH.

Sometimes, you have to stop hiding behind your cat

2005-04-19T01:57:00.000-07:00

So, Derek and I have been traveling the USA for the past few days. Because of this, we don't seem to be possessed by the feline queen, and I'm able to post as myself. YAY!

We were in San Francisco for a few days visiting D's parental units. Turns out that it is DAMN COLD and WINDY in San Francisco. What does that mean for me? Lots of layers, and whining about how frigging cold it is. Thursday we went into the city, saw some stuff, ate some food. Ended up at a really neat wine bar on the ferry warf eating cheese and getting drunk. On Friday we went shopping in the city, I hit Victoria's Secret (nice to have options other than La Vie on Rose and La Senza) and bought flip flops at Nike Town. D bought some stuff too... Can't think of what any of it is... It was super exciting. yep. After the shopping we went to the ferry warf again and had oysters and wine... mmmm wine. Went out for D's dad's bday. Drank lots of wine. Saturday we went sailing in San Fran bay - ton's of fun. Sailed by Alcatraz, stopped at Angel Island for a picnic, then back to the 'rents place for (come on... take a guess...) more wine and food. Sunday is a blur...

According to D we went on a tour of San Fran and saw our doctor friend Tim. Our Doctor friend took us out for drinks and sushi. D ended eating some sort of fried shrimp head. I thought that it was pretty gross, but D liked it.

This morning we got up at 5 am PST to fly to Tucson to visit Jon & Amie. The lfight stopped in Vegas. That has got to be the most depressing, low rent airport I've ever been to. I mean, people in San Fran are relatively fit, I don't think that they have a choice with all the hills. I cannot remember the last time I saw that many fat people in one place at one time. Seriously.

Tucson is fabulous -warm during the day when you're in the sun, but if you're in the shade it's really pleasant. J took us to a pizza joint for lunch, had a few beers. J&A cooked dinner - a great steak along with some great vegetables. We called a cab to go out - public transit in this town isn't very good. We're told that there is a lot of drunk driving here. Rather then joing that groups of people we elected to take a cab. The cabs here aren't very fast - when we called they said 10 - 30 minutes. After about 30 a cab drove by, we thought that it was going to turn around and come back but it just vanished into the night. Then we got a phone call from a cabby claiming that he wa sin front of our house. Turns out he thought that we were at a totally different address. What the hell?!?

We finally ended up at a club called "Club Congress", Mondays is 80s night. Quite the variety of people turn up - there were lots of frat guys, many girls who were dressed to impress (couldn't tell if they were looking to impress each other or the boys in the bar.), goth people, nerd, people who were really good dancers, and some very crap dancers. The music was awesome at first - it was like the old days at Limelight. For some reason the DJ played a lot of industrial. We were thinking about leaving, but the DJ redeemed himself by playing "Take on Me".

It's odd clubbing here - at the bar there were 2 fights. During the first one, some asshole bumped into me, forcing me to drop my $2.50 Corona, and trampled A's foot (she's ok, no bruises so far, but we'll see how she's doing tomorrow). Then, the same dipshits got in a fight AGAIN. This time, the bouncers turned up and stopped it. When we were leaving the club, we actually caught a cab, and the cabbie told us that he heard some dudes yelling at the bouncers from across the parking lot. Very, very odd.

We stopped at the Circle K to pick up more beer (mmm buying booze not limited to government controlled stores) and munchies. I was sitting around debating the benefits of Apple Computers w/J when we realised D and A were fading, so it appears the evening has come to an end. However, I'm not tired after typing all of this out, and D has passed out, taking up most of the bed. *sigh*

As annoying as the Feline Queen can be, I miss having a cat around. I can always count on being able to keep her awake when I can't sleep.

2005-04-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

April 11, 2005

So tired... can't seem to stop sleeping over the past few days, can't think why. I was minding my own business, napping on the green blanket on top of the blue couch, when I stretched. Next thing I know, those two were laughing at me, saying something about falling. I totaly didn't fall. I meant to be on the floor. It was time for some food anyway.

It's a good thing that they woke me up, I had to sharpen my nails anyway after the manicure this afternoon.

Cow Kitty Patty

2005-04-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

They took us for a car ride today. I heard rumblings about something called "fumigation". I wonder what that is.... So they put us in those boxes of doom they love so much and off we went. Fatty started howling like someone just took away all her food. I told her to shut up but she wouldn't listen. She really has a big mouth. All the better to eat with I guess. It's really annoying when you're trying to lie on, I mean, read the paper with your Feeder and all the while she's screeching in your ear about the cost of milk these days. I mean, get a grip kitty! So anyway, after about 20 minutes, I really really really really really really had to go to the poopie box. I begged and pleaded and whined and looked generally pathetic. I could see the poopie box. Just...out...of...my...reach. She finally let me out and I jumped right in. Somehow I got brown stuff all over two of my back legs. I don't know how that happened.... Suddenly the car stopped, and they started grabbing both my legs and putting stuff on them and yanking at them and then rubbing them with some white goop. I think they're the ones who need to be locked up - in the boxes of doom! I think they finally gave up and put me back in the box. At least Fatty had finally shut up! When we got home, he took me into the Sheridan Bathroom Suite (oh oh) and put me in the playpen. The he turned on that horrible noxious wet stuff!!!! I wasn't that bad, was I??? He pulled on my legs some more, until finally I escaped his evil clutches and ran for freedom into the big room. I wonder what those wet spots behind me are?
-bewildered kitty

Isn't It Nice To Be Kneaded?

2005-04-06T02:30:00.000-07:00

So. It's 2 in the morning. They're asleep. We're bored. Hey Fatty, wanna play "Stare Until They Wake Up"? Maybe throw in some unnecessary kneading. On that nice soft part?
So it came to pass that when she woke up at approximately 2:03 AM from a fascinating dream about a cat-free home, she saw one Cow Kitty (me! me! that's me!) with my claws stuck in her chest, my nose exactly one millimeter away from hers (think of the hours of practice it took to get that good), and one Fatty (my accomplice, errr, I mean my helper in the fight against the criminal offence of ignoring the cat for longer than 2.3 nanoseconds - after all, we are here to educate) with her claws doing a balancing act on her stomach. I know what she's thinking: now if only they could juggle...maybe I could sell them. But fear not dear lady! If you scritch that one spot behind our ears, all will be forgiven.

2005-04-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

The male came home and presented my food to me. Dry discs with little taste AGAIN. What do I have to do to get some variety around here! Now's he's standing over the stove, cooking. They get fresh carcasses, I get dry discs with little taste.

I will now retreat to my secret lab to plan my vengeance.

2005-04-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

April 5, 2005

That was a nice nap. Chased around that damn pen again. It's still staring at me, but I think that the threat has been neutralized for now.

Introducing: The Sheridan Bathroom Suites

2005-04-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

I got caught opening the closet door. Again. Bad Cow Kitty. It's off to the Sheridan Bathroom Suites for me. Fatty says I deserve it, but I don't think the punishment fits the crime. So what if all the sweaters fell on the floor. So what if I covered all the black ones with my white fur and all the white ones with my black fur. It's not like she's going to wear them in April, now is she? *sigh*
-beleaguered kitty

2005-04-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

April 5th - 8:15 am

Finally, the female unit has left. Always leaving at inconsistent times. I don't know where she goes every day - all I care is that both units have left, and I can spend my day relaxing. OOOO! what's that flash of light?

2005-04-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

April 4

Again with the boxes! What can they all mean? The female unit removes items from the walls and puts them in the boxes. It's all interfering with the constant devotion to the queen! I'm going to relax in my throne room, where I can be alone.

2005-04-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

The female just presented me with my favourite food - little dry discs! They taste is so good, and they're fun to play with.

2005-04-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

So there I was, sitting in the window, minding my own business, when a bird, an evil evil bird lands in teh tree next to me. So I do what any normal feline would do... I try to grab it. But even though I could feel the cool breeze, the stupid netting got in the way. And to top it all off, my nose hurts now.

To add insult to injury, the bird called more birds over to taunt me.

Revenge will be mine!!!

2005-03-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

March 20, 2005

Mmmmmm...the female unit spent a good portion of the morning scratching me behind my ears. She's so great.

2005-03-20T01:00:00.000-08:00

I was just woken up by the stupid people here. Why won't they go home! I'm trying to sleep! That's it, I'm going to crawl all over the one with "allergies" again. I will teach the fool a lesson for overstaying his welcome.

And when I've driven the unwelcome guests away, I will claw one of the female unit's sweaters as a warning not to displease me again.

2005-03-19T23:01:00.000-08:00

March 19th 2005 - 11 pm

The asian unit with "allergies" was over again today. I crawled all over him trying to make him sneeze. Hopefully this time he won't return.